simple aphorisms

My dad just emailed me this huge list of puns oh my god

  • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
  • Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

There’s an amazing scene where Snow White yells in the face of a troll, I wonder if you use that tactic in real life with Robert Pattinson? (x)

(Source: fadingspells, via tristen-blewart)